I’m bored. Out of all the 10 commandment, the 7th seems to be the hardest to keep now. Lord forgive me. The rush of blood in my head to awkward places. You ever feel like killing me ? I embarrass you a lot. I remember our last adventure. Swimming in that pink pool omg I didn’t want to bring you out.

What happened to us? We used to be so close and it seems like we are drifting apart. You used to be so happy to see me, every morning when I would wake up you were there, happy, looking at me. You don’t do that anymore. Remember then? Those years we had so much fun? You were always begging me to play with you and you don’t do that anymore. Just the other day I tried to get you to play and you didn’t want to – why? Is it because we are getting older? Is it because I have been working you too hard since we started watching porn? I know my right hand is so hard – you can’t breath. You get blisters. I don’t always want to play you know? You sometimes too desperate.

Remember the girl from twitter? She was a freak – you didn’t move for a week after that. Remember the hooker at osu road? That was the best #15O0 we ever spent. It was funny because you were nervous and I didn’t think you would be up for it but you came through like a champ.

Lately you have been so erratic. One minute you are happy and the next all you want to do is hang around. And what was up with the other night? We were having sex with our girlfriend and you ended so quickly like you just wanted to get it over with it. You were never like that and now Zainab has been calling me Minute Man for three days.

I know we have had some tough times and I haven’t always been easy to live with. Sometimes I was too hard on you, making you play when you didn’t want to – looking at pictures of naked women just to get you in the mood. I know you are probably still mad about that time I put you in that place you didn’t want to go. I was drunk though and I wasn’t thinking and I bathed you afterwards. And that time I took Viagra wasn’t because I lost faith in your ability I just wanted to try it & I’m sorry for that. I know you didn’t need it but you have to admit you were pretty fucking happy for a while.

I feel better talking to you. I will try and be a better caretaker and I will never put you in places you don’t want to go anymore. When zainab gets home I will have her kiss you. That always seems to make you feel better.

So what do you think? Do you think trojan pants will make a comeback?